JUNEATHON day 11

So, I had a tweet this morning telling me off for spelling Juneathon wrong haha, I was given a forfeit of 10 push ups. 

I have as such done 10 pushups and learnt I have no upper body strength. 

My glum mood seems to have carried over into today, as well as a healthy dose of snot thanks to hay fever. I had so far, gone without an attack of hay fever so it seems my lot has arrived in one go. The OH had to pop to one of the venues that he works at and offered to give me and the toddler a lift down. We weren’t ready, the sun was shining so I decided we would walk. 

The toddler threw a tantrum when I told him we were going for a walk. Why he threw a tantrum I do not know, I mean he gets to sit down in his pushchair, so I do all the walking. I think it may have something to do with him also having an attack of the hay fever (although he’s already suffered this year) and generally feeling a little under the weather. I kept him off pre school today too because he had a bit of a temp last night, but that seems to have come down. Anyways, I digress. 
The only way I could encourage the toddler was to allow him to bring George (his toy from Pepa Pig) and his tablet. 

After these terms of negotiation, we set off in the sunshine. 

It was a lovely walk, although I swear he’s gotten heavier haha. So, today has consisted of 3.5 miles of walking and the 10 pushups. 

I am still feeling a little down, I am just so flipping tired. What can I do though?

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Why does it always rain on me

I’m struggling with my mood.
Without going in to too much detail I’m not enjoying work at the moment.
My head has been mangled and as I’ve said many a time I’m a worrier and an over thinker.
I’m struggling to be positive or to look for positives.
I’m tired.
I’m paranoid.
The cracks in the smile are getting bigger.
The time between tears is getting smaller.
I’m struggling and I don’t really know what to do.
I’m not depressed per say, just feeling a bit lost.

2014 is approaching

So I am sure you’ve already noticed that I have been more than a little quiet on here recently. I haven’t really wanted to share how I’ve been feeling. I’ve been feeling up and down. Down and out. It’s been a roller coaster. Having the monthly so put a nail in the proverbial coffin.
So yes. It’s been an emotional six weeks. However, 2014 isn’t too far around the corner and a change gonna come.

I’m sure you all remember the Shredtober challenge I partook in. Well ladies and he gents, the group has reopened and is happening again in January. I am jumping on the basis deacon again and taking part. I know it’s going to be harder than October because from the 1st Jan, I’m working full time, but that means a minimum of four gym sessions a week, which is cracking. I’m going to get myself a personal target of loosing a stone and up to 6 inches. Going from the results I saw with Shredtober these seem achievable.
Ready to start another journey with me? 

Exercising

I promised myself on Wednesday evening that I would put on my sports bra and get sweaty in my living room.

I waited until the OH was in the shower, and then got my sweat on.

I did my 30 day shred dvd, I went for it hell for leather. I really did become and exceptionally sweaty mess.

It felt good, the endorphins did their stuff, I felt tired too. A different type of tired to what I have been feeling, a satisfying tired. A tired that said ‘tonight you shall sleep well’.

I didn’t sleep well, I had horrendous, sharp as day nightmares. I struggled through yesterday in a bit of a haze. I managed to smile, to plaster on that lovely smile.

I coped.

I didn’t exercise last night as I had a head splitting headache. I have that same headache today, I feel even more tired today. It isn’t a good tired though, this is a suffocating tiredness.

I am on shift tomorrow evening, I am dreading it a little, especially if I have another crappy night of nightmares.

I am getting there slowly.

I have organised the shit out of stuff, I am getting on top of jobs. I am functioning. I am smiling a little, whether or not I mean to.

I am repairing myself slowly. I need to cut myself some slack though, it has only been a week. A week survived though. A week of many more weeks to come.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery…

Yesterday I busied myself with baking and cooking and cleaning. I managed to get through another day.
A week ago today at 3.43pm I started to bleed a little. It didn’t really concern me, I had a slight bleed when I was pregnant with M. I phoned the OH and told him, he told me not to panic, it was probably similar to what happened before. I carried on with work, the bleeding appeared to stop. I breathed a sigh of relief, until I got him.
It was back, not overly concerning, no real pain, I called NHS direct for advice they told me to call out of hours.
I called out of hours, they told me there wasn’t really a lot they could do with it being 8.30pm, if it was to get worse for whatever reason I was to go to A and E.
1.00am I woke and I knew. The pain was intensifying. I popped to the loo and it was red. Blood red. Fresh blood. I panicked, but I knew. By 6am I was in horrific pain, I had been awake most of the night, too afraid to wake the OH up. I must have dozed off because when I woke OH wasn’t there. I phoned him, I told him what was happening and he came home within the hour. Mum was called she was going to look after M. At 9.00am I passed a clot… I knew things weren’t going to end well. We got to A and E at 10.00am, by 10.20am I was seen and I’d passed another clot, this one was different though. The clot was my baby. It was gone. I was no longer pregnant. A long 3 hours took place on the ward and I was allowed home. Allowed home because I wasn’t pregnant and there was nothing that could be done.

It was all done and dusted, as easy as that.
Yesterday I stopped bleeding. It was all over. Physically it is all over.
Emotionally it isn’t, but physically it is.
It’s an odd thing. It’s an odd feeling. Today I wanting to go out and take M to the beach or to go play with his football. Today I want to get active and start working on my mental well being. Today is when I’m going to make a conscious effort to try feel better mentally.
Today will start with a trip to the doctors.
Today will start my recovery!

Trying

Trying… to attempt to do something.

I am attempting to get us organised. I am attempting to appear organised.

I am attempting to go an entire day without crying. So far, so good.

I have managed to send emails, and invoices and general business stuff. This really doesn’t require much effort does it? I mean, I sit in front of the laptop and I type niceties about Christmas fast approaching and what not. I come across cheery in my e-mails. Job done.

I have managed to go through the diary and prioritise what is important and needs my immediate attention.

I have cleaned the bathroom, I have washed, dressed and fed M.

I have put the bins out.

I am now having a cup of tea. I am trying to be normal. I am trying to be Emily. I am trying to be Emily before loosing my baby. I am trying to be Emily before the nightmares. I am trying to be Emily.

I am not doing a very good job as far as I am concerned.

I am fearful the OH is getting tired of my crying, this probably isn’t the case but I am fearful non the less.

I told him I wanted to start my exercise now. I need to do something, he told me not yet. He told me I need to allow my body to heal physically, but what if my mental well being needs it?

If I listen to my body, I know the OH is right.  I know I need to hold out a bit longer.

I had an email today, you know those types of emails you sign up to when you’re all joyous and excited about becoming a mum again, the type of ‘You’re baby is currently the size of *insert fruit*’

It was a kick in the gut. It was a reminder that I didn’t need. I know I am not carrying a child anymore, I have never felt so empty. The sickness has gone, the nice heavy feeling of my uterus has gone. It’s all gone. I am trying. I really am trying. I am going to have to see people on Saturday when I go to work, and then on Sunday when I partake on a course I agreed to do ages ago. I am going to have to see people and laugh and pretend everything is a okay when we go to a Christmas party. I can’t exactly open with… ‘Oh me? Oh, yes I am fine, had a miscarriage the other week but yup, fine and bloody dandy here’. Doesn’t befit social convention.

I have a few friends I have told, some have responded by showing me utmost love and patience and genuine loving concern, then there are the few that appear to be treating me like a leaper. I suppose it’s the not knowing what to say that makes people act this way. It’s a shame that miscarriage isn’t a very spoken about subject, it’s no wonder you feel crushingly alone at times when you don’t even think it’s okay to broach the subject in an open way.

Anyways, I am trying. Trying hard. Too hard? Possibly… Only time will tell.