How much you pain me,
From the buring pain, to the clicking hips
The weeping eyes, to my horrid sticks,
How much you pain me.
Today I saw the midwife. I am happy to report they are documenting the pain I am in. I didn’t even have to ask. I guess the fact I can’t walk much faster than a snail and the fact I am on crutches gives it away. Unfortauntely, I was told they can’t do anything more than what has been done. They once again told me to discuss my options with Mr H.
Baby is fine, heart beat good and strong, BP fine. I really do not understand how it can be so different from using a machine to doing it manually.
How am I? Truth? Rubbish. Flitting between utmost guilt and despair. I now cry most nights as it is exceptionally painful. When I get up the stairs, generally for a pee, that means I am off to bed. Getting into bed is a pain, getting comfy in bed is a nightmare. Once I am comfy though I dont appear to move around too much, I am thinking it’s because it makes me swear. G is loving the fact I am not thrashing around in bed, I am generally a fitful sleeper, he doesn’t like the reason for me not being able to kick him, thank god, otherwise I may hit him with my crutch.
My walk hasn’t improved, in fact it has got worse. I now shuffle my feet as lifting them too high hurts. This annoys the heck out of me, I hate people dragging their feet.
I feel I am neglecting M, I’m not, but I feel I am by not being able to take him places. Chronic pain is a bitch, and not being able to drive at the moment isn’t helping. I feel a bit trapped. I have done myself a mischief today too by trying to do some washing (we are slowly running out of clean clothes).
The one saving grace is that G has been able to allocate some work to other people which means he has taken M to preschool for me and driven me around everywhere. I am lucky that he is being so supportive, even if occasionally it sets me off crying.
Everyone keeps saying how the end is in sight now, it is, yes. I am not denying that, what people aren’t grasping is that this is going to get worse. As the baby grows and puts extra pressure on my already broken pelvis I am going to become more broken. So yes, it is in sight, but there is also a new level of pain I am going to get aquainted with.
I am fed up. I have so much I want to do and need to do, I hate feeling like a liability. My brain is making me feel awful and rubbish. I can feel myself slipping down into a bit a black whole. Save me?