Realisations

Recently, we have been here there and everywhere. I’ve crossed the Severn bridge more than I care to admit recently. It’s been an endless tirade of motorway trips. 

With all this travelling around it’s meant leaving the boys with other people to look after. 

It was during one of these trips that some staggering differences in myself struck me full force in the heart. It is the realisation of how much post natal depression robbed me of after I had M. 

After I had M it took me the longest time to realise I had PND. I was massively in denial, don’t get me wrong, I loved him, I did all I could for him. Did I connect with him? I thought I had, but it’s now glaringly obvious I didn’t. 

I left M with his grandparents 14 days after he had been born to go to a funeral. I didn’t even bat an eyelid. I left baby J with the same set of grandparents when he was 7 weeks old and I felt physically sick. I didn’t want to leave him. I didn’t know how I could leave him. 

*smack* 

The realisation that getting help so early on has really made a hell of a difference. 

I feel bad that I wasn’t as connected to M. It makes me feel awful and guilty and these are emotions in having to deal with now. I can’t change it, I can’t go back in the past, but it hurts. I feel robbed. PND is a sucky thing, but thank god I seemed early intervention and have avoided another catastrophic start. 

I’m happy, I’m coping. I’m not letting the stress we are under consume me. I’m definitely on the road to recovery. 

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Time flying by

Where have the past 5 weeks gone?

How do I have a 5 week old baby? So much has changed in a short space of time… Which it would, I mean, I have had a baby.

So, lets reccount it. I gave birth, had a horrendous infection and retained products. I have been housebound for quite a large amount of time. We have had our ups and down. M has adjusted well. Baby J had a nightmare few weeks, until eventually we went to the doctors last week. Baby J has reflux, or at least that’s what we think. He’s been prescribed baby gaviscon and is a totally different baby now. 

  
 
He has started smiling and has massive smiles for his big brother. M loves this, although he tends to get in baby J’s face quite a bit requesting he smiles, if no smiles are achieved baby J is subjected to the “pllllleeeeaaaasssseeeeeee” only a child can pull off. To be fair, it usually works. 

G has still be working astronomical amounts, it’s made me quite stressed having to constantly dealing with two, but we are finding a rhythm at last. I’m eternally grateful to my mum and dad though who have been having M for sleepovers and making a huge fuss of him. It helps keep me sane and means M is seeing other people too. 

How am I? Well, I ended up going to the doctors the same time as baby J. The baby blues was hanging around longer than I’d have liked, but it wasn’t just baby blues. The anxiety started, the nightmares returned and the constant paranoia. The snapping and crying and being unbearable all returned. The black dog made his presence known to me and instead of ignoring him, I confronted him. I’m on sertraline now for post natal depression. It knocked me for six to begin with, I’m not going to lie. It made me so tired yet, unable to sleep. It’s still making me so tired but I’ve at least be able to sleep. I had also massively lost my appetite but that seems to be coming back now. I’m feeling a numb but I’m at least able to deal with all the tasks I need to. That counts for something right? 

  
Seeing these two makes it all okay though. The love they have for each other is amazing. 

We finally got around to registering baby J too, so he’s official now. He’s an actual person on the system. It’s taken us so long due to G working so much but at least it’s done. 

I’ve also celebrated my birthday. It was lovely, spent with my mum and dad. I was thoroughly spoilt. 

This past 5 weeks have been a massive roller coaster of a ride, but I wouldn’t change any of it. My boys are worth it all.