Differences 

When you have a newborn, your first baby, everything can seem totally overwhelming. I was overwhelmed. There were so many different things on the market. I was 23 with a partner who had already had children and I allowed him to make a lot of the decisions. He was experienced. I was new and naive. 

Second time around, I was that bit older, that bit wiser and more internet savvy and I had a lot more mummy friends. It’s now I realise the differences. As well as my different approach to adjusting to a newborn and feeling more confident I came to realise there were things I wanted to do this time that I didn’t even dream of doing with M, one of them being baby wearing. 

I didn’t even know what baby wearing was with M, or the benefits of baby wearing. This time I decided I definitely wanted to I’ve it a go. As well as the closeness from wearing J, it also meant my hands would be free to do stuff with M and keep on top of things around the house. What I didn’t bank on was the millions of different choices of carrier and how addictive it could be buying pretties. I wish I had discovered a sling library to try stuff out in, I initially bought a stretch my wrap but couldn’t wrap it for the life of me. This led to me getting a close caboo dx, an easy stretchy but was also their hybrid as its billed as a soft structured carrier. I loved it, it made life easier and J loved being close. 

  

   
   
It’s made us very close and M enjoys me being able to play with  him. It’s become a bit of an obsession though. I also have a rose and rebellion carrier as well as a new Tula. It’s an addiction. 

Something else I have done differently this time, thanks to a helpful nudge from my lovely friends Amanda, Kelly and Katie, cloth nappies. Something I wouldn’t have even considered with M because the thought of extra washing and what not scared me half to death. 

J was in disposables when he first arrived and no word of a lie, 10 black bags of rubbish happened. With collections happening every two weeks it was staggering! So this started an addiction like no other. 

I am cloth nappy obsessed! The fact that is actually hasn’t increased my washing much and my black bag waste is down to 3 bags is a bonus. Include the fact that baby J’s bum is beautiful and clear I’m on to a winner. 

   
    
    
 
Another thing? Baby J is still sleeping in with us. M was hoofed out more or less straight away, which I regret massively now. I love having J in with us. Yes, it can get frustrating when he’s having a particularly bad night but then I generally pull him in to bed with me. It’s lush. 

Whilst this post may seem whistful and longing to turn back the clock to do so much more with M, it’s not. What I did with M still stands, it was still super magical but it was overwhelming. This time I’m more assertive, clearer in what I want us to do with the baby. If I could have more I’d have a football team. I am thoroughly enjoying this new part of my parenting journey. It’s made all the more fun by having M along for the ride. 

Parenting is scary, there’s no right or wrong. Every choice is individual. Do you know what I do with though? I wish we were all more supportive of each other instead of judging people’s parenting styles. Parenting, like I’ve already said is scary. It can be lonely, it’s a constant guessing game of whether we are doing the right thing. Trust me, you’re doing amazing. Parenting is shit sometimes, but for all the times it sucks, there’s a million reasons why it’s so perfect and amazing. 

   
    
   

Time flying by

Where have the past 5 weeks gone?

How do I have a 5 week old baby? So much has changed in a short space of time… Which it would, I mean, I have had a baby.

So, lets reccount it. I gave birth, had a horrendous infection and retained products. I have been housebound for quite a large amount of time. We have had our ups and down. M has adjusted well. Baby J had a nightmare few weeks, until eventually we went to the doctors last week. Baby J has reflux, or at least that’s what we think. He’s been prescribed baby gaviscon and is a totally different baby now. 

  
 
He has started smiling and has massive smiles for his big brother. M loves this, although he tends to get in baby J’s face quite a bit requesting he smiles, if no smiles are achieved baby J is subjected to the “pllllleeeeaaaasssseeeeeee” only a child can pull off. To be fair, it usually works. 

G has still be working astronomical amounts, it’s made me quite stressed having to constantly dealing with two, but we are finding a rhythm at last. I’m eternally grateful to my mum and dad though who have been having M for sleepovers and making a huge fuss of him. It helps keep me sane and means M is seeing other people too. 

How am I? Well, I ended up going to the doctors the same time as baby J. The baby blues was hanging around longer than I’d have liked, but it wasn’t just baby blues. The anxiety started, the nightmares returned and the constant paranoia. The snapping and crying and being unbearable all returned. The black dog made his presence known to me and instead of ignoring him, I confronted him. I’m on sertraline now for post natal depression. It knocked me for six to begin with, I’m not going to lie. It made me so tired yet, unable to sleep. It’s still making me so tired but I’ve at least be able to sleep. I had also massively lost my appetite but that seems to be coming back now. I’m feeling a numb but I’m at least able to deal with all the tasks I need to. That counts for something right? 

  
Seeing these two makes it all okay though. The love they have for each other is amazing. 

We finally got around to registering baby J too, so he’s official now. He’s an actual person on the system. It’s taken us so long due to G working so much but at least it’s done. 

I’ve also celebrated my birthday. It was lovely, spent with my mum and dad. I was thoroughly spoilt. 

This past 5 weeks have been a massive roller coaster of a ride, but I wouldn’t change any of it. My boys are worth it all. 

SLT review and the week since 

Last week was an exhausting week. I was ill and moody much of it. The chest infection was firmly still in place and G was working all the hours God sends. I was solo parenting much like I have been since I’ve been off work and I struggled. I couldn’t get out of bed let alone get M to school. I felt rubbish. Friday came along and the anti biotics seemed to be working a little and I managed to get us to his SLT review. He was a lot calmer this time because I could prepare him for what was going to happen. The good news is that his speech and communication skills have improved tenfolds. I knew this from how others are actually understanding him now, and the fact he doesn’t ever stop talking. Mainly to ask “why?” 

That was good. I mentioned about some of his behavioural traits though and M is being refered to see apaediatrician to see if he falls on the ASD spectrum. The speech therapist is also going to go to M’s pre school to observe him. If you followed on Twitter you many have seen mention that M has been on the cloud a lot. They have a visual chart in school for naughty, ok and good behaviour. The cloud being naughty, sun being okay and rainbow being good/excellent. 

I was getting concerned because this has been upsetting M a lot so I had a chat to see what’s going on. M isn’t coping in big group activities and lashes out sometimes. He’s a very affectionate boy though and loves giving cuddles. He’s distracted by loud noises. He hates seeing others upset. He’s easily led. Basically he’s been on the cloud for not listening or getting distracted by someone or for pushing someone away when in a large group. This is all stuff I get, but I had explained to them my worries about M after the picked up on his communication issues. 

I told this all to the speech therapist, she could see that M gets distracted by noises. She asked about it in more detail. M hates hand dryers, they are too noisy. He covered his ears and used to cry. He doesn’t cry at the sound anymore. If our dog goes particularly mental when the postman/courier/someone new comes to the door, M covers his ears and screams. Not all the time, if I’m in the room he’s fine. If I’m not, all hell breaks loose. He doesn’t like loud lorries. They hurt his ears (his words) so we have a sensitivity to noise. 

He’s very affectionate and caring, he happily plays on his own. M needs to know everything though. If he’s going to stay at my parents or G’s parents house I have to explain what will happen. If I tell him I’m going to drive him there but they come to pick him up, melt down. If he’s been told he’s allowed to do something and it changes, melt down. If something out of the ordinary happens. Melt down. When I was working nights I had to explain to him that daddy would be getting him up otherwise all hell would break loose. 

M loves playing with cars and tractors and his toy figurines. Especially policemen and ambulance men. He calls me his girl. He’s excited about the new baby. He’s a bundle of joy and delight but some days he’s hard work. Some days he seems to be totally within himself and it doesn’t matter what I say or do. My boy is amazing, this could all be normal but it feels a little off somehow. Whatever happens he’s my boy and I will anything for him. 

This week he’s missed preschool again though. Monday I took him to the doctors because his chest seemed bad again, we were told it was viral. That night he was sick all night, it was horrendous. Tuesday night he had an allergic reaction so had to be taken to a and e. Wednesday he was off because of the stupidly late night of Tuesday but then I had my stupid accident (won’t bore you with the details again) so yesterday was a write off too. He isn’t in on a Friday so it’s been a weird couple of weeks. 

How am I? I’m exhausted. I’m sore and 33 weeks pregnant. I’m smiling though, that’s something right? 

Potty training the boy cont.

This is certainly a crazy adventure. One I’m pleased we waited to embark on. Like I said in my previous post here we had attempted to try before but it was stressful and traumatic for both of us.
Tuesday was a way better day than Monday, he seemed to understand needing the loo and we had the first poo! This is something I’m super proud of because I’d heard that poo was a difficult one to master.
Accidents were 4 total but part of that was my fault, I didn’t hear him.
One thing I have noticed is he is reluctant to use the potty, but will if I ask and explain that someone is already in the bathroom like yesterday.
Yesterday, G really annoyed me.
He knows that’s M is potty training and I’m not saying don’t use the bathroom and shower, life doesn’t stop because we have a potty trainer. However, I had explained the G that am was reluctant to use the potty. Anyway, M pee’d and Gary showered. Only thing is, M decided he needed the loo again! I banged the bathroom door, G said 5 minutes. M couldn’t wait. I explained he needed to use the potty and he did! Hurrah! Also aces because he needed a poo.
I was super annoyed though, 50 minutes in the shower! Doesn’t he know he also lives with a pregnant lady? Haha. My annoyance subsided because I was so proud of M.
All day yesterday there was only 1 accident!
We have a total of 2 pairs of pants that have had to be thrown away.
We are also able to use the loo out and about, no he realises that I am not going to let him fall down the toilet and flush him away.
Today’s is going well too. He’s doing great. I was worried when we went to the doctors because some of his friends were there. He was playing and being loud, I thought he’d forget for sure. He did say as we were leaving and he went. He’s amazing.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, I’m happy we’ve waited this long. My little M is ace.

I will love you forever my gorgeous little monster

Some days I wish I was happier
Some days I wish I could disappear
Some days I wish I could live a little
Some days I wish for spontaneity
Some days I wish I could fly
Some days I wish my friends lived closer
Some days I wish I had super human strength
Some days I wish I wasn’t so quick to loose my temper
Some days I wish I wasn’t a grumps
For no reason
Some days I wish I had the motivation to do it all
Some days I feel it all
Some days I get every sort of crazy mushed up feeling

Sometimes you try my patience
Sometimes you make me sad
Most of the time though, you make me happy, proud and amazed

You keep me grounded
You are my reason for being

You are my sunshine
When you kiss my hand or kiss my face
When you tell me you love me, I know I’m doing sometime right

You’re my everything M
I will love you forever my gorgeous little Monster