Time flying by

Where have the past 5 weeks gone?

How do I have a 5 week old baby? So much has changed in a short space of time… Which it would, I mean, I have had a baby.

So, lets reccount it. I gave birth, had a horrendous infection and retained products. I have been housebound for quite a large amount of time. We have had our ups and down. M has adjusted well. Baby J had a nightmare few weeks, until eventually we went to the doctors last week. Baby J has reflux, or at least that’s what we think. He’s been prescribed baby gaviscon and is a totally different baby now. 

  
 
He has started smiling and has massive smiles for his big brother. M loves this, although he tends to get in baby J’s face quite a bit requesting he smiles, if no smiles are achieved baby J is subjected to the “pllllleeeeaaaasssseeeeeee” only a child can pull off. To be fair, it usually works. 

G has still be working astronomical amounts, it’s made me quite stressed having to constantly dealing with two, but we are finding a rhythm at last. I’m eternally grateful to my mum and dad though who have been having M for sleepovers and making a huge fuss of him. It helps keep me sane and means M is seeing other people too. 

How am I? Well, I ended up going to the doctors the same time as baby J. The baby blues was hanging around longer than I’d have liked, but it wasn’t just baby blues. The anxiety started, the nightmares returned and the constant paranoia. The snapping and crying and being unbearable all returned. The black dog made his presence known to me and instead of ignoring him, I confronted him. I’m on sertraline now for post natal depression. It knocked me for six to begin with, I’m not going to lie. It made me so tired yet, unable to sleep. It’s still making me so tired but I’ve at least be able to sleep. I had also massively lost my appetite but that seems to be coming back now. I’m feeling a numb but I’m at least able to deal with all the tasks I need to. That counts for something right? 

  
Seeing these two makes it all okay though. The love they have for each other is amazing. 

We finally got around to registering baby J too, so he’s official now. He’s an actual person on the system. It’s taken us so long due to G working so much but at least it’s done. 

I’ve also celebrated my birthday. It was lovely, spent with my mum and dad. I was thoroughly spoilt. 

This past 5 weeks have been a massive roller coaster of a ride, but I wouldn’t change any of it. My boys are worth it all. 

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The world with two

*sigh* I am all better, apparently. I have finished my antibiotics and have been discharged from the midwives. This happened on Monday. Relief at finally being discharged 22 days postpartum. I am feeling physically better. Emotionally I am drained.

I am pretty much exhausted. I have my good days and bad days. The last few days I have been an emotional wreck. G is still working all the hours, I am still housebound from having no car. M has been challenging, whilst brilliant. Baby J has been colicky. He’s been very vomtastic and several times we have had scenes not too dissimilar to the exorcist. I am half expecting to see him crawling up the walls.

Like with two is a challenge. It’s been a steep learning curve. Everyone keeps telling me how well I am doing, which is lovely and reassuring but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like I am floundering. Both boys are being well cared for, I am just tired. Bare bones exhausted. J is sleeping better don’t get me wrong, but they seem to work in tandem, my boys. J has a good night, M has a bad night. M has had several night terrors this last week. It’s ever clearer they are linked to G working nights. If M has a good night, J has a bad night. When M has a bad night I am on my own with no one to help. When J has a bad night I have a very tired G who needs to be up early for work the following day. There is no break.

It’s hard, it’s rewarding, it’s trying… It’s bloody wonderful. How can it be such a rollercoaster… that’s a typical day of feelings. It’s no wonder I am getting a little anxious and feeling my anxiety levels creep up. This happens when I am fatigued. I have had a few nightmares this week and a dose of sleep paralysis, which by the way is utterly terrifying! All of this is connected to lack of sleep. I am keeping an eye on my moods, I was horrendous yesterday. I barely spoke to G, I could barely look at him. He hadn’t done anything wrong apart from sleep through baby J crying. However, when I had been thrown up on for the third time that evening and let out a little cry of frustration he woke up and told me off for waking him up. He doesn’t remember that, but it happened and it got to me. Tiredness is making us both snappy. His from working so much, mine from being the caregiver.

Whilst I have found the last 4 weeks, yes 4 weeks! tough, it’s been amazing too. Seeing M become a wonderful big brother who clearly loves J stupid amounts already. Seeing J change and develop, I don’t care what anyone says, that little boy is giving us little glimmers of his beautiful smile. He has a glint in his eye that hints towards the mischievous. I still can’t comprehend how odd it is referring to my boys. Plural. I love it. I wouldn’t change a thing, I am so thankful to the support I have though and the fact I can have a little moan to people.

Life with two. Chaotic. Exhausting. Worth it.

Two weeks in

We are two weeks in to our adventure of being a family of four. What an adventure it’s turning out to be. 

I am exhausted. It’s exhausting and no one can prepared you for how exhausting it is. I’m ridiculously happy there is a 3.5 year age gap between the boys because it’s making it a little easier to explain stuff to M. He has been a great libel helper by fetching me nappies and the like. He loves his little brother very much, which is devine, he just doesn’t seem to grap that J won’t be able to play yet. 

M is pretty exhausted from the last two weeks. Routine has been disturbed massively. He’s short tempered on times and as such tantrums have been happening far more than we are used to. During a tantrum his favourite proclamation at the moment is “no, I don’t want you, daddy or Jonah anymore”. He gets himself in a heck of a state. Whilst he’s obviously in love with J, the changes are taking their toll. I am looking forward to him going back to preschool after half term. I think the routine will do him good. My only worry is, G is beyond busy with work. We are down to one vehicle, it only has 2 seats. G is on about doing some night shifts… All well and good, except I can’t take M to school… Not et having to look after J too. We still have a fair bit to work out. 

I am exhausted. The fact J is feeding every 2/3 hours is hard. By the time I feed him, wind him and wind back down I’m getting an hour, hour and a half if I’m lucky. Twice I’ve managed 3.5 hours sleep in a row, and after each of those nights we’ve had a terrible night to make up for it. I’ve also been poorly and on antibiotics but that doesn’t mean I’ve been able to stop. I still have to be a mum to two boys and solo parent with G working so much. It’s been tough, but I’m coping well apparently. Apart from the occasional rant to my mum. My infection and pain and what not don’t appear to have cleared though. There are muttering a of there being retained products… I had bloods taken and a swab at the hospital last night. I’m thankful I wasn’t admitted. I will have a scan in the week and then we will know what we are dealing with. 

J has been very windy and proving difficult to wind. I’ve introduced dentinox colic drops in to feeds to try help. He has been dreadfully sick and is still bringing up mucus, but winding is easier. His cord dropped off and now his belly button is looking red so I’m having to keep it beyond clean. I don’t want the baban ending up with an infection. He loves a good cwtch and is thriving. He’s put more weight on and is now just shy of 9lb 4oz. This is smashing, he’s also 54cm in length! Mental. He’s a beautiful boy and has stolen all our hearts. This last two weeks have been equal parts hard to amazing. I’m going with the flow, trying to not be too snappy with M and trying not to cry too much. Tiredness is a bitch for the amount I cry. We are coping well though, for now we will just middle along. It’s bound to get easier right? 

Day 5

I can’t quite believe I gave birth 5 days ago now. It’s been a whirl wind already. 

Today though started really disastrously. I was and still am shattered. I really couldn’t cope. J fed a lot in the night. By a lot it was every 1.5/2 hours. It was large quantities too. He was winding well, but I knew it would end in disaster. He was utterly convinced he was hungry. We had a vomit disaster this morning at 4am. I cried, he cried. It felt tough. Previous to that G’s phone went off at 1am with a work related call. That upset me. I am easily upset. All of this set me up for a bad morning. G’s alarm went off at 7, but he didn’t get up straight away, he hit snooze. That annoyed me. I decided that this morning was struggle enough without also trying to get M ready for school so kept him home. We had lovely cuddles in my bed whilst J actually slept, I dozed but M wanted to talk and to have kisses and cwtches and hugs. Next thing I knew though I had an unexpected vistor and it tipped me over the edge. Once they left M started crying, J started crying, I started crying. I phoned G asking where he was and when he would be back. He came home more or less straight away. The delivery had been and he was able to get away. He came in I cuddled him and cried in to his shoulder. He sorted M out, I sorted J out. He also sorted me out with some toast and a coffee. It was a super sunny this morning so I say out the front and decided to strip the pram down and wash it so it is ready to be used again. M helped and was over the moon to be helping me. I put the stereophonics on my phone and sang until my heart was content. My mood started to lift, my dad arrived to do some decorating as well as my Nanna and auntie C. It ended up being a fairly lovely afternoon. G was around to help out, it was lovely to see some family members as well as have some quality time with M. I ended up playing in the garden with him for half hour. We played football, and throwing the ball up in to space. He laughed so much, it was pretty nice. He’s been going through so much, it’s been a big change for him. Even though he’s amazing with J and really does love him, it must be hard for him to have to share me when previously, he had me all to himself. I guess we are all still finding our feet. It hasn’t even been a week yet. Trying to take each day as it comes, twitter has been tremendous and reminded me to stop being so hard on myself. 

  
Cleaning always requires the bubble machine on don’t you know. 

Day three 

Today I was going about my thing amazed at how I managed to look after a baby and get a small person ready for pre school. I felt amazing for coping with it all and getting everyone ready on time. 

G was taking M to pre school and then needed to pop off somewhere. I had this. I was going to sleep. J was fed and happy and seemed to want to sleep too. I couldn’t sleep. I bathed him instead knowing I could do it at our pace with no interference. It went well all things considered. He didn’t enjoy the drying but he certainly enjoyed the cuddle afterwards. It suddenly dawned on me after he was bathed and dressed and all snug that I hadn’t eaten or drank. Coffee and toast were consumed. Toast never tasted so good, but considering my day started at 0530 it was a bit late in the day to be having first food and drink… 11.30

Soon after G returned with M. He was on the rainbow in pre school so came home relatively happy and elated to tell everyone in school that J had arrived. 

My mum and sister came up then to see baby J and offered to take M back with them because my other sister was going to come up after school. Perfect I thought, I can sleep. Off they went, G was outside doing some bits and bobs but the dog kept barking and yelping. G eventually took her outside with him but by that point J was fidgety and needed another feed. That’s when I cried. I cried and struggled to stop… It then dawned on me. Today is day three. Day three where the hormones dip and “baby blues” presents itself. Panic spread through me. I really am hoping it’s just the effect of hormones and tiredness and not the start of another long journey through PND. 

I then proceeded to cry through out the afternoon and snap and my sister and M and anyone in between. What a horrible person. I cried because I haven’t been able to get my dad a birthday present yet. I cried because I spilled my drink. I cried because M wouldn’t give me a hug. I’ve since cried because J gorged and proceeded to throw up on me. Jeez I’ve done a lot of crying today. 

So that’s days three. My back is hurting, it’s stupidly bruised from the failed epidural attempt. My hip is playing up a little and my ankles are stupidly swollen. Baby J is totally worth it and tomorrow is a brand new days. I’m just hoping I get slightly more sleep than 2 hour fitful intervals tonight. Wish me luck.