Struggling 

Today my blog plays host to a dear friend of mine who is struggling. It’s an honour to give her some place she can be anonymous yet still express what she needs to. Love you girly xx 
Today I’m really struggling. 
I’ve just spilled my guts out to a online friend, someone I’ve never met but whom I know will understand. You see she has a rubbish family too…
A little over a month ago I gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy. A brother for my daughter, the so called perfect family. Then things got hard, really hard. My daughter got chicken pox and we were given all sorts of rubbish advice including sending her away for 21 days! Throw in breast refusal and engorgment, mastitis, banK card being cloned and cut off and my husband having to return to work after one short week because his company screwed up his holidays. You get the picture, it was a super rough time, a month in and things have settled slightly. We spend the last weekend in our little caravan to have a little much needed break. Monday morning I did a load of washing and then didn’t get a chance to hang it out to dry. It was raining again (it rained the day before too). I finally managed to throw it on the airers in the evening when my husband returned home from work. 
I sit down on the sofa after dishing up dinner and look up at the strings on the wall. Baby boy has recieved many many cards, not a single one from a single member of my family… It hit me like a ton of bricks. Why is it so hard to send a card? Or even a text? Yes that’s right, over a month baby boy has been here and not a single text or call from either parent (separated) I cannot begin to explain how sad this makes me, it’s been hard. So so hard and they have no idea because neither care enough to ask. 
I know one thing, I’ll always make sure I’m there for my children when they’re older. Just because they are grown up with families of their own, won’t automatically mean they’re not struggling. I am struggling, I’m struggling to understand why they don’t care enough about me to ask that I’m ok. 
So yes I am crying over the fact that it’s now rained for three days so I can’t do anymore washing, I’m covered in sick, as is my whole bed after baby brought up a whole feed as he wouldn’t part with his wind. And there’s no point stripping the bed as I can’t wash it yet because I’m still trying to get the washing dry from two days ago. 
Am I depressed? No I don’t think so, I’m most definitely sad and well within my rights to be, but I also know why I am and it seems so unfair but I can at least start working on making it better somehow. Today I’ll give up with the washing and hug my two children tight, they will never feel rejected by me.

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You’re a winner! 

I never ever win anything. It’s a sad fact of life, Lady Luck doesn’t ever really bless me with wins. Before baby J arrived I spent a lot of time entering Facebook competitions, and a lot in the early days. To be honest, I’ve always been of the opinion that the competitions are a bit of a con, used to just increase page likes. That was until I won! 

Yup, I won an actual Facebook competition. Me. I can tell you I actually jumped for joy, I’d won a brand new pram. This was amazing, I’d only felt a little bit pants a few days previous at having to reuse my pram from M. There is nothing wrong with that pram, I cleaned it up lovely before Jonah arrived. I know it’s my old one though and felt it looked a little grubby. So winning a pram was ace. Not just any pram though, I won a Greentom upp. If you’re not familiar with this pram, it’s the first pram ever made 100% out of recycled material. 

  
The company ethos of recycling filtered right through to the packaging, which was all cardboard and totally recyclable. My orange bag collection loved me. 

We love the pram. It’s so lightweight and lovely. It’s ridiculous compact when folded up too. 

It came with a travel cot, has a seat that reclines for parent facing or world facing and then converts in to an every day stroller. It’s lovely and a relief to know that this will carry me all the way through. 

   
 
I’d already ordered a snooze shade because the weather was improving and I didn’t fancy cooking the baby. The snooze shade and the pram arrived at the same time, which was great because it meant we could do this… 

   
    
   
M loves pushing baby J in the pram and checking on him to make sure he’s okay. He really is the best big brother and loves baby J unconditionally. Even if he has almost broken the baby a few times… That’s another blog post though. 

So yes, I won a pram. It’s really quite nifty and it certainly cheered me up no end. To steal a phrase, you’ve got to be in it to win it. I know I will be entering all the completions from now on! 
Disclaimer- I won this pram in a Facebook competition, I just wanted to tell you all how awesome the pram was and how chuffed I was to win something. 

Time flying by

Where have the past 5 weeks gone?

How do I have a 5 week old baby? So much has changed in a short space of time… Which it would, I mean, I have had a baby.

So, lets reccount it. I gave birth, had a horrendous infection and retained products. I have been housebound for quite a large amount of time. We have had our ups and down. M has adjusted well. Baby J had a nightmare few weeks, until eventually we went to the doctors last week. Baby J has reflux, or at least that’s what we think. He’s been prescribed baby gaviscon and is a totally different baby now. 

  
 
He has started smiling and has massive smiles for his big brother. M loves this, although he tends to get in baby J’s face quite a bit requesting he smiles, if no smiles are achieved baby J is subjected to the “pllllleeeeaaaasssseeeeeee” only a child can pull off. To be fair, it usually works. 

G has still be working astronomical amounts, it’s made me quite stressed having to constantly dealing with two, but we are finding a rhythm at last. I’m eternally grateful to my mum and dad though who have been having M for sleepovers and making a huge fuss of him. It helps keep me sane and means M is seeing other people too. 

How am I? Well, I ended up going to the doctors the same time as baby J. The baby blues was hanging around longer than I’d have liked, but it wasn’t just baby blues. The anxiety started, the nightmares returned and the constant paranoia. The snapping and crying and being unbearable all returned. The black dog made his presence known to me and instead of ignoring him, I confronted him. I’m on sertraline now for post natal depression. It knocked me for six to begin with, I’m not going to lie. It made me so tired yet, unable to sleep. It’s still making me so tired but I’ve at least be able to sleep. I had also massively lost my appetite but that seems to be coming back now. I’m feeling a numb but I’m at least able to deal with all the tasks I need to. That counts for something right? 

  
Seeing these two makes it all okay though. The love they have for each other is amazing. 

We finally got around to registering baby J too, so he’s official now. He’s an actual person on the system. It’s taken us so long due to G working so much but at least it’s done. 

I’ve also celebrated my birthday. It was lovely, spent with my mum and dad. I was thoroughly spoilt. 

This past 5 weeks have been a massive roller coaster of a ride, but I wouldn’t change any of it. My boys are worth it all. 

Chicco launch new nappies! (Review)

Baby J and I were sent an e-mail asking us if we would like to try out some exciting new nappies, you see well known parenting brand chicco have launched nappies here in the UK! 

  
The Chicco dry fit nappy will be available to buy from 1,200 boots stroes across the UK today! How exciting is that? It seems fitting that Chicco would partner up with boots considering they are both leading the way in expert baby care knowledge. 

We jumped at the chance to give these nappies a try, especially as Chicco are known for their quality. We wanted to see if that transpired into the world of nappies.

Now I really struggled with nappies when it came to M. I like many others flit between brands but this time I seem to have struggled. M had super sensitive skin as a baby so when I found a brand that worked for us I stuck to it. 

Baby J seems to be going the same way in relation to his skin. Poor dab has had terrible nappy rash, so I was really starting to pull my hair out. The chicco dry fit nappies though have a fabric like external lining which is desgined to keep baby’s skin dry. This is something I have definitely found to be true in our test. J’s little bottom has gone from angry and sore to nice and clear. He’s happier during nappy changes now as I imagine nappy rash can be quite sore for littles.

On the whole we have been very impressed with these nappies. The only thing I haven’t really liked is that when he has poo’d you can see it through the nappy. Can that even be a criticism? It hasn’t leaked and has been contained expertly, but I can see when he has poo’d. This has amused M no end as he can see when he has to run away from baby J. M hasn’t quite got the fascination some toddlers do with yellow baby poo.

Baby J does seem to be a heavy night time wetter too, and they have coped remarkably well with that. I have had a good 10/12 hours of dryness. I did switch to my regular nappy half way through the test just to have true comparrison, which funnily enough saw the return of the angry red bottom. I can wholeheartledy agree that they provide maximum dryness.

The nappies start at size 1 and make their way up to size 5, which covers baby all the way through.

The size 1 nappies retail at £4.49 with stages 2 to 5 costing £7.99

We are really happy with how the test has gone and I shall be taking full advantage of the upcoming buy one get one free promotion, which will be available from the 24th June. It seems that chicco really do follow through with their excellent quality. 
  
Disclaimer: I have been sent these nappies free of charge in order to write an honest review. All opinions are my own.

The world with two

*sigh* I am all better, apparently. I have finished my antibiotics and have been discharged from the midwives. This happened on Monday. Relief at finally being discharged 22 days postpartum. I am feeling physically better. Emotionally I am drained.

I am pretty much exhausted. I have my good days and bad days. The last few days I have been an emotional wreck. G is still working all the hours, I am still housebound from having no car. M has been challenging, whilst brilliant. Baby J has been colicky. He’s been very vomtastic and several times we have had scenes not too dissimilar to the exorcist. I am half expecting to see him crawling up the walls.

Like with two is a challenge. It’s been a steep learning curve. Everyone keeps telling me how well I am doing, which is lovely and reassuring but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like I am floundering. Both boys are being well cared for, I am just tired. Bare bones exhausted. J is sleeping better don’t get me wrong, but they seem to work in tandem, my boys. J has a good night, M has a bad night. M has had several night terrors this last week. It’s ever clearer they are linked to G working nights. If M has a good night, J has a bad night. When M has a bad night I am on my own with no one to help. When J has a bad night I have a very tired G who needs to be up early for work the following day. There is no break.

It’s hard, it’s rewarding, it’s trying… It’s bloody wonderful. How can it be such a rollercoaster… that’s a typical day of feelings. It’s no wonder I am getting a little anxious and feeling my anxiety levels creep up. This happens when I am fatigued. I have had a few nightmares this week and a dose of sleep paralysis, which by the way is utterly terrifying! All of this is connected to lack of sleep. I am keeping an eye on my moods, I was horrendous yesterday. I barely spoke to G, I could barely look at him. He hadn’t done anything wrong apart from sleep through baby J crying. However, when I had been thrown up on for the third time that evening and let out a little cry of frustration he woke up and told me off for waking him up. He doesn’t remember that, but it happened and it got to me. Tiredness is making us both snappy. His from working so much, mine from being the caregiver.

Whilst I have found the last 4 weeks, yes 4 weeks! tough, it’s been amazing too. Seeing M become a wonderful big brother who clearly loves J stupid amounts already. Seeing J change and develop, I don’t care what anyone says, that little boy is giving us little glimmers of his beautiful smile. He has a glint in his eye that hints towards the mischievous. I still can’t comprehend how odd it is referring to my boys. Plural. I love it. I wouldn’t change a thing, I am so thankful to the support I have though and the fact I can have a little moan to people.

Life with two. Chaotic. Exhausting. Worth it.

16 days postpartum 

I am 16 days postpartum and am still under the care of the community midwives. As I write this, I am sat on the postnatal ward awaiting an ultrasound scan. 

5 days postpartum I told the midwife I thought I had an infection and I wasn’t feeling well. One high vaginal swab and prescription later I was on antibiotics. The results of the swab came back showing an infection. Strep C. I had been given a 5 day course of antibiotics and given hope that they would clear it. I finished the anti biotics last Wednesday and full intended on phoning someone but after a truly dreadful night with baby J it escaped me. Thursday was spent being stupidly busy and running around and ignoring pains. Again, I should have phoned. On Friday I was seen by the community midwife who wasn’t happy with me for not phoning. She sent me to the GP who was concerned by the tenderness I was feeling in my tummy, also the fact the uterus hadn’t contracted to where it should be. I was also still not feeling right. After 45 minutes on the phone to numerous people he informed the postnatal ward I was coming up. 

I arrived, I didn’t want to be there. Bloods were done, another high vsginal swab and I was going to be scanned on Monday. The bloods came back normal so I was sent on my way saying that the scan and swab will tell us more. I hadn’t heard anything yesterday so the community midwife phoned the ward who then got a midwife on the ward to phone me… I had two options, either be admitted or come in at 8am Tuesday morning. I obviously opted for the latter. Unfortunately, I had to be assessed by the community midwife first. This led to her once again being unhappy and her telling me I was to be admitted. I packed my bag and a bag for baby J. Off we trundled. We arrived at a little after 6… To be told I may not be admitted… Ffs!!! I had to wait to see a doctor. 12.45am I saw a doctor, the infection is still there. I still need a scan and I was admitted to the ward. 

It is now 1400 and I still haven’t been scanned. I am still unaware of what’s going on and feel I have been forgotten about. I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time. I’m missing M and I want to be at home. I also desperately want to know what’s going on with my body. I’m on more antibiotics now too. My tummy hurts and I have spent a little while crying. With the luck I have, it was glaringly obvious something had to go wrong after such a good delivery. Marvellous. So that’s where we are. 16 days postpartum. Baby J is thriving and mummy is falling to bit. 

Two weeks in

We are two weeks in to our adventure of being a family of four. What an adventure it’s turning out to be. 

I am exhausted. It’s exhausting and no one can prepared you for how exhausting it is. I’m ridiculously happy there is a 3.5 year age gap between the boys because it’s making it a little easier to explain stuff to M. He has been a great libel helper by fetching me nappies and the like. He loves his little brother very much, which is devine, he just doesn’t seem to grap that J won’t be able to play yet. 

M is pretty exhausted from the last two weeks. Routine has been disturbed massively. He’s short tempered on times and as such tantrums have been happening far more than we are used to. During a tantrum his favourite proclamation at the moment is “no, I don’t want you, daddy or Jonah anymore”. He gets himself in a heck of a state. Whilst he’s obviously in love with J, the changes are taking their toll. I am looking forward to him going back to preschool after half term. I think the routine will do him good. My only worry is, G is beyond busy with work. We are down to one vehicle, it only has 2 seats. G is on about doing some night shifts… All well and good, except I can’t take M to school… Not et having to look after J too. We still have a fair bit to work out. 

I am exhausted. The fact J is feeding every 2/3 hours is hard. By the time I feed him, wind him and wind back down I’m getting an hour, hour and a half if I’m lucky. Twice I’ve managed 3.5 hours sleep in a row, and after each of those nights we’ve had a terrible night to make up for it. I’ve also been poorly and on antibiotics but that doesn’t mean I’ve been able to stop. I still have to be a mum to two boys and solo parent with G working so much. It’s been tough, but I’m coping well apparently. Apart from the occasional rant to my mum. My infection and pain and what not don’t appear to have cleared though. There are muttering a of there being retained products… I had bloods taken and a swab at the hospital last night. I’m thankful I wasn’t admitted. I will have a scan in the week and then we will know what we are dealing with. 

J has been very windy and proving difficult to wind. I’ve introduced dentinox colic drops in to feeds to try help. He has been dreadfully sick and is still bringing up mucus, but winding is easier. His cord dropped off and now his belly button is looking red so I’m having to keep it beyond clean. I don’t want the baban ending up with an infection. He loves a good cwtch and is thriving. He’s put more weight on and is now just shy of 9lb 4oz. This is smashing, he’s also 54cm in length! Mental. He’s a beautiful boy and has stolen all our hearts. This last two weeks have been equal parts hard to amazing. I’m going with the flow, trying to not be too snappy with M and trying not to cry too much. Tiredness is a bitch for the amount I cry. We are coping well though, for now we will just middle along. It’s bound to get easier right?