*sigh* I am all better, apparently. I have finished my antibiotics and have been discharged from the midwives. This happened on Monday. Relief at finally being discharged 22 days postpartum. I am feeling physically better. Emotionally I am drained.
I am pretty much exhausted. I have my good days and bad days. The last few days I have been an emotional wreck. G is still working all the hours, I am still housebound from having no car. M has been challenging, whilst brilliant. Baby J has been colicky. He’s been very vomtastic and several times we have had scenes not too dissimilar to the exorcist. I am half expecting to see him crawling up the walls.
Like with two is a challenge. It’s been a steep learning curve. Everyone keeps telling me how well I am doing, which is lovely and reassuring but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like I am floundering. Both boys are being well cared for, I am just tired. Bare bones exhausted. J is sleeping better don’t get me wrong, but they seem to work in tandem, my boys. J has a good night, M has a bad night. M has had several night terrors this last week. It’s ever clearer they are linked to G working nights. If M has a good night, J has a bad night. When M has a bad night I am on my own with no one to help. When J has a bad night I have a very tired G who needs to be up early for work the following day. There is no break.
It’s hard, it’s rewarding, it’s trying… It’s bloody wonderful. How can it be such a rollercoaster… that’s a typical day of feelings. It’s no wonder I am getting a little anxious and feeling my anxiety levels creep up. This happens when I am fatigued. I have had a few nightmares this week and a dose of sleep paralysis, which by the way is utterly terrifying! All of this is connected to lack of sleep. I am keeping an eye on my moods, I was horrendous yesterday. I barely spoke to G, I could barely look at him. He hadn’t done anything wrong apart from sleep through baby J crying. However, when I had been thrown up on for the third time that evening and let out a little cry of frustration he woke up and told me off for waking him up. He doesn’t remember that, but it happened and it got to me. Tiredness is making us both snappy. His from working so much, mine from being the caregiver.
Whilst I have found the last 4 weeks, yes 4 weeks! tough, it’s been amazing too. Seeing M become a wonderful big brother who clearly loves J stupid amounts already. Seeing J change and develop, I don’t care what anyone says, that little boy is giving us little glimmers of his beautiful smile. He has a glint in his eye that hints towards the mischievous. I still can’t comprehend how odd it is referring to my boys. Plural. I love it. I wouldn’t change a thing, I am so thankful to the support I have though and the fact I can have a little moan to people.
Life with two. Chaotic. Exhausting. Worth it.