Two weeks in

We are two weeks in to our adventure of being a family of four. What an adventure it’s turning out to be. 

I am exhausted. It’s exhausting and no one can prepared you for how exhausting it is. I’m ridiculously happy there is a 3.5 year age gap between the boys because it’s making it a little easier to explain stuff to M. He has been a great libel helper by fetching me nappies and the like. He loves his little brother very much, which is devine, he just doesn’t seem to grap that J won’t be able to play yet. 

M is pretty exhausted from the last two weeks. Routine has been disturbed massively. He’s short tempered on times and as such tantrums have been happening far more than we are used to. During a tantrum his favourite proclamation at the moment is “no, I don’t want you, daddy or Jonah anymore”. He gets himself in a heck of a state. Whilst he’s obviously in love with J, the changes are taking their toll. I am looking forward to him going back to preschool after half term. I think the routine will do him good. My only worry is, G is beyond busy with work. We are down to one vehicle, it only has 2 seats. G is on about doing some night shifts… All well and good, except I can’t take M to school… Not et having to look after J too. We still have a fair bit to work out. 

I am exhausted. The fact J is feeding every 2/3 hours is hard. By the time I feed him, wind him and wind back down I’m getting an hour, hour and a half if I’m lucky. Twice I’ve managed 3.5 hours sleep in a row, and after each of those nights we’ve had a terrible night to make up for it. I’ve also been poorly and on antibiotics but that doesn’t mean I’ve been able to stop. I still have to be a mum to two boys and solo parent with G working so much. It’s been tough, but I’m coping well apparently. Apart from the occasional rant to my mum. My infection and pain and what not don’t appear to have cleared though. There are muttering a of there being retained products… I had bloods taken and a swab at the hospital last night. I’m thankful I wasn’t admitted. I will have a scan in the week and then we will know what we are dealing with. 

J has been very windy and proving difficult to wind. I’ve introduced dentinox colic drops in to feeds to try help. He has been dreadfully sick and is still bringing up mucus, but winding is easier. His cord dropped off and now his belly button is looking red so I’m having to keep it beyond clean. I don’t want the baban ending up with an infection. He loves a good cwtch and is thriving. He’s put more weight on and is now just shy of 9lb 4oz. This is smashing, he’s also 54cm in length! Mental. He’s a beautiful boy and has stolen all our hearts. This last two weeks have been equal parts hard to amazing. I’m going with the flow, trying to not be too snappy with M and trying not to cry too much. Tiredness is a bitch for the amount I cry. We are coping well though, for now we will just middle along. It’s bound to get easier right? 

Advertisements

Day 5

I can’t quite believe I gave birth 5 days ago now. It’s been a whirl wind already. 

Today though started really disastrously. I was and still am shattered. I really couldn’t cope. J fed a lot in the night. By a lot it was every 1.5/2 hours. It was large quantities too. He was winding well, but I knew it would end in disaster. He was utterly convinced he was hungry. We had a vomit disaster this morning at 4am. I cried, he cried. It felt tough. Previous to that G’s phone went off at 1am with a work related call. That upset me. I am easily upset. All of this set me up for a bad morning. G’s alarm went off at 7, but he didn’t get up straight away, he hit snooze. That annoyed me. I decided that this morning was struggle enough without also trying to get M ready for school so kept him home. We had lovely cuddles in my bed whilst J actually slept, I dozed but M wanted to talk and to have kisses and cwtches and hugs. Next thing I knew though I had an unexpected vistor and it tipped me over the edge. Once they left M started crying, J started crying, I started crying. I phoned G asking where he was and when he would be back. He came home more or less straight away. The delivery had been and he was able to get away. He came in I cuddled him and cried in to his shoulder. He sorted M out, I sorted J out. He also sorted me out with some toast and a coffee. It was a super sunny this morning so I say out the front and decided to strip the pram down and wash it so it is ready to be used again. M helped and was over the moon to be helping me. I put the stereophonics on my phone and sang until my heart was content. My mood started to lift, my dad arrived to do some decorating as well as my Nanna and auntie C. It ended up being a fairly lovely afternoon. G was around to help out, it was lovely to see some family members as well as have some quality time with M. I ended up playing in the garden with him for half hour. We played football, and throwing the ball up in to space. He laughed so much, it was pretty nice. He’s been going through so much, it’s been a big change for him. Even though he’s amazing with J and really does love him, it must be hard for him to have to share me when previously, he had me all to himself. I guess we are all still finding our feet. It hasn’t even been a week yet. Trying to take each day as it comes, twitter has been tremendous and reminded me to stop being so hard on myself. 

  
Cleaning always requires the bubble machine on don’t you know. 

Day three 

Today I was going about my thing amazed at how I managed to look after a baby and get a small person ready for pre school. I felt amazing for coping with it all and getting everyone ready on time. 

G was taking M to pre school and then needed to pop off somewhere. I had this. I was going to sleep. J was fed and happy and seemed to want to sleep too. I couldn’t sleep. I bathed him instead knowing I could do it at our pace with no interference. It went well all things considered. He didn’t enjoy the drying but he certainly enjoyed the cuddle afterwards. It suddenly dawned on me after he was bathed and dressed and all snug that I hadn’t eaten or drank. Coffee and toast were consumed. Toast never tasted so good, but considering my day started at 0530 it was a bit late in the day to be having first food and drink… 11.30

Soon after G returned with M. He was on the rainbow in pre school so came home relatively happy and elated to tell everyone in school that J had arrived. 

My mum and sister came up then to see baby J and offered to take M back with them because my other sister was going to come up after school. Perfect I thought, I can sleep. Off they went, G was outside doing some bits and bobs but the dog kept barking and yelping. G eventually took her outside with him but by that point J was fidgety and needed another feed. That’s when I cried. I cried and struggled to stop… It then dawned on me. Today is day three. Day three where the hormones dip and “baby blues” presents itself. Panic spread through me. I really am hoping it’s just the effect of hormones and tiredness and not the start of another long journey through PND. 

I then proceeded to cry through out the afternoon and snap and my sister and M and anyone in between. What a horrible person. I cried because I haven’t been able to get my dad a birthday present yet. I cried because I spilled my drink. I cried because M wouldn’t give me a hug. I’ve since cried because J gorged and proceeded to throw up on me. Jeez I’ve done a lot of crying today. 

So that’s days three. My back is hurting, it’s stupidly bruised from the failed epidural attempt. My hip is playing up a little and my ankles are stupidly swollen. Baby J is totally worth it and tomorrow is a brand new days. I’m just hoping I get slightly more sleep than 2 hour fitful intervals tonight. Wish me luck. 

I had a baby this weekend 

As weekends go, this one has been pretty special. We’ve welcomed the newest addition to our family. Baby J arrived safely Sunday 17th May, at 0625 weighing in at 8lb 15oz. 

This is what went down… 

On Friday I was feeling really rubbish and browsing the internet where I discovered I had been bathing in the clary sage oil all wrong. I had just been adding it in to my bath, not realising that because it’s an oil, all it would do would be to sit on the surface of the water… Duh. Makes sense when I think about it, apparently, what I needed to do was add some milk in so that the oil would then mix in with the water. Friday night at 2030 I added a cup full of milk to my bath. I started to get pains, intense period pains around 0200. G was out so I phoned him to see where he was, he’d go stuck and was hoping to be home by 0300. Sure enough he got home okay, by this time I was getting actual contractions. They really did feel different. I was sleeping but not properly because in my dream I was in labour, I think my subconscious was letting me know, because when I woke up properly the contractions were still coming. They continued on, growing in length and strength. I was pretty convinced at 0800 that I would be phoning my mum asking her to have M for me. Low and behold, they stopped. I was devastated, actually convinced I was in labour because they felt nothing like before. I napped and dozed where possible on Saturday. Looked after M, potted around, had another bath, minus the clary sage. We had a friend come over, he dared to joke it looked like I had twins in my bump, I threatened to cut his genitals off… I’m nice aren’t I? 

I put M to bed and my contractions seemed to start all over again. They were a fair distance apart so I wasn’t too bothered. Convinced now that nothing was actually going to happen. G ordered me an Indian to cheer me up, which was nice. He got back with the takeaway, the contractions were getting closer and as I ate I told him I was going to regret it. 2130 I felt awful, the contractions were all in my back and I was struggling. I phoned my mum to get M, it was a good job I did. By the time I phoned the unit and mum arrived my contractions were 4 minutes apart. On our way to the hospital they shortened again. They were now 2/3minutes apart but all in my back. It was torturous. On the assessment ward the midwife was utterly convinced she would check me and then I’d be off to labour war. How wrong was she. 2300 and I was only 2cm dilated. I had another bath and cried a lot and started To get upset my everything. They were so frequent now I was sure that progress had been made. 0000, no change. Devastated… Then came the offer of drugs. Entinox please. It helped a little, I love the stuff though and was quickly off my face. Much hilarity happened but at 0130 there was still no change to my cervix. Baby and I were back to back. It was halting my progress. I had some pethedin then to try and relax me. It’s at this point I feel I blacked out. I don’t remember much. I know G went to McDonald’s and bought me a smoothie but I don’t remember much of the conversation I had with him. Finally though at 0430 I was 4cm dilated. Off to labour ward I go sounding like a demented cow. “Give me an epidural now please!!” 

So there I was, in agony and they tried twice to get the epidural in. Finally in and I thought I was about to get instant relief to be told “it’s not working, sorry” marvellous. Oh well, I felt I needed to push anyway. Demented cow noises once more and I appeared to be giving birth. Actually shouted several times I couldn’t do it. The burning sensation was awful, but productive. Once the head was out it all happened in a blur. Next thing I knew I had my beautiful baby boy on my chest. He is perfect. He was covered in light meconium because he’s got a bit distressed love him, I’m not surprised. We survived we did it and in end I got a birth that I wanted. I’m actually ridiculously pleased the epidural failed. It meant recovery time was quicker and wow… That pain was productive and good and I felt like a super hero. No tear! I didn’t tear like I did with M. Hooked up to a drip to prevent a PPH. No PPH. I felt amazing. I feel amazing today. I’m sore but a good sore. I’m tired but a good tired and now, I get to enjoy my family!! And, the best bit, no stressing out over induction. 

5 days over 

Today I am 5 days over. 

Yesterday M was gloriously sick. He seemed to recover quite well in the afternoon, which is good. He had a fitful night of crying on and off. This morning he was saying how his tummy was still hurting. I was convinced it was because he was hungry. We got up, I made him toast and some juice. 10 minutes after and I heard…. “Mummy quick, I need to do sick” and so sick he did…. 

Rock and a hard place. He is still not right. I had my midwife appointment at 11. Hard decision time. I decided to refuse the sweep. 

I had to. I’m hoping he is going to feel better soon but I am needed by him right now. He needs mummy. 

So, my BP was fine. Urine fine. I cried in front of the midwife. She measured bump. Bump is measuring on the 90th centile now. He’s going to bigger than his brother. I feel it. 

I cried some more. The consultant said I would be induced at term +10. I’m actually being induced at term +12. This has stressed me out a little. 

I am crying a lot and short tempered and have generally just resigned myself to the fact I’m going to end up being induced. So that’s me at this stage. Big, sore and tired all the time. 

Overdue 

I am 4 days overdue. It’s quite rubbish. 

Last week I had food poisoning (suspected) that really wiped me for six. I’ve been so tired since. I’ve been sleeping like a log which is wonderful. 

M is poorly today, he’s been dreadfully sick and has a poorly tummy, but he seems to be perking up this afternoon which is good. 

I’m fed up. Generally just fed up. I feel so so pregnant. There’s a heck of a baby in my tummy. My skin is still stretching to accommodate him and it’s been hurting with the stretching. 

I’m upset because I really really didn’t think I would get this far. I have the midwife again tomorrow so will be term+5… It’s my final stretch and sweep. Then I will have to be induced. Term +10 will be the 18th May. That’s Monday. That means I could potentially have a week in hospital which is not something I relish the though of. I don’t want to be away from M for that long. I don’t want a drawn out labour. I’m worst case scenario thinking now. Why is my body a little bit rubbish at the last hurdle. If I get told tomorrow my cervix is the same I met actually break something. I’ve had some really quite painful Braxton hicks again over the past few days but alas, they’re just practice ones. Damn this body of mine. 

Feeling blue 

Can you tell I’m pregnant? 

My emotions are all over the shop, but this is how I’m feeling. I’m feeling down in the dumps. I’m fed up too. 

I’ve been poorly with something, won’t lie, I thought it was my body perhaps preparing for imminent labour. Wrong. 

Today I saw the midwife and came away feeling so very despondent. 

I didn’t feel listened to and felt like I was wasting time again. I had another sweep. It was once again painful. Looking at my notes though there is actually not change to my cervix from when the sweep was done last Thursday. Despite me having lost my plug and getting irregular contractions, no change. Baby isn’t even engaging or engaged. My notes say 4/5 ceph, which according to google means they can feel 4/5 of the head. 

I also ended up going to the hospital today because baby’s pattern has changed. I got told off at the hospital for not calling sooner. He was monitored. He’s fine and moving. His heart rate is good. That’s good news. 

My tummy is settling. That’s good news. I’ve managed to eat. 

I am mostly panicking now. I am so worried that I am going to end up being induced and that I’m going to go through all that trauma again. I’m worried that my body is failing yet again. I am terrified I won’t get the type of birth I want. I am a big bag of emotions at the moment. I’m wanting to hide and not leave the house now.