SPD, the bane of my life

How much you pain me,
From the buring pain, to the clicking hips
The weeping eyes, to my horrid sticks,
How much you pain me.

Today I saw the midwife. I am happy to report they are documenting the pain I am in. I didn’t even have to ask. I guess the fact I can’t walk much faster than a snail and the fact I am on crutches gives it away. Unfortauntely, I was told they can’t do anything more than what has been done. They once again told me to discuss my options with Mr H.
Baby is fine, heart beat good and strong, BP fine. I really do not understand how it can be so different from using a machine to doing it manually.
How am I? Truth? Rubbish. Flitting between utmost guilt and despair. I now cry most nights as it is exceptionally painful. When I get up the stairs, generally for a pee, that means I am off to bed. Getting into bed is a pain, getting comfy in bed is a nightmare. Once I am comfy though I dont appear to move around too much, I am thinking it’s because it makes me swear. G is loving the fact I am not thrashing around in bed, I am generally a fitful sleeper, he doesn’t like the reason for me not being able to kick him, thank god, otherwise I may hit him with my crutch.
My walk hasn’t improved, in fact it has got worse. I now shuffle my feet as lifting them too high hurts. This annoys the heck out of me, I hate people dragging their feet.
I feel I am neglecting M, I’m not, but I feel I am by not being able to take him places. Chronic pain is a bitch, and not being able to drive at the moment isn’t helping. I feel a bit trapped. I have done myself a mischief today too by trying to do some washing (we are slowly running out of clean clothes).
The one saving grace is that G has been able to allocate some work to other people which means he has taken M to preschool for me and driven me around everywhere. I am lucky that he is being so supportive, even if occasionally it sets me off crying.
Everyone keeps saying how the end is in sight now, it is, yes. I am not denying that, what people aren’t grasping is that this is going to get worse. As the baby grows and puts extra pressure on my already broken pelvis I am going to become more broken. So yes, it is in sight, but there is also a new level of pain I am going to get aquainted with.
I am fed up. I have so much I want to do and need to do, I hate feeling like a liability. My brain is making me feel awful and rubbish. I can feel myself slipping down into a bit a black whole. Save me?


SPD take over 

I appreciate you’re probably sick of this but dear god have I been in pain today. First I couldn’t get down the stairs, then once down, getting back up them was hard. Literally only just made it to the toilet in time. The there’s been the cramps too. 

Today’s been shitty. 

I’ve cried a lot. I have felt like a horrendous mum pretty much all the time. I’m struggling. I couldn’t take M to preschool today because I knew I couldn’t drive. That makes me feel bad. 

I had to call the OH home from work so he could help. I have been moody and snappy with him through the dsy. I wanted to sleep, he kept telling me it was important to move. Which is it, but I am exhausted. He then had the gaul to say it was partly my fault for wearing flip flops over the weekend. I don’t really see how that’s any different to me going around the house barefoot? So on his recommendation I move, we went in the jeep to buy some bread. I cried going around every corner/roundabout/sharp bend… 

Today’s not been fun, oh and I’ve yet to put my repeat prescription in for painkillers. 

It’s a shame because Saturday and Sunday I spent sat outside in the sunshine watching M play. Yesterday I had a friend pop over for a catch up and it was all lovely. Today has ruined all good feelings. I feel broken. 

I’ve had period like cramps on and off all day which panicked me a bit. Couldn’t get hold of any of the midwives to talk about it so have resigned myself to wait till I see them on Wednesday. 

I’m not enjoying this anymore. 

SLT review and the week since 

Last week was an exhausting week. I was ill and moody much of it. The chest infection was firmly still in place and G was working all the hours God sends. I was solo parenting much like I have been since I’ve been off work and I struggled. I couldn’t get out of bed let alone get M to school. I felt rubbish. Friday came along and the anti biotics seemed to be working a little and I managed to get us to his SLT review. He was a lot calmer this time because I could prepare him for what was going to happen. The good news is that his speech and communication skills have improved tenfolds. I knew this from how others are actually understanding him now, and the fact he doesn’t ever stop talking. Mainly to ask “why?” 

That was good. I mentioned about some of his behavioural traits though and M is being refered to see apaediatrician to see if he falls on the ASD spectrum. The speech therapist is also going to go to M’s pre school to observe him. If you followed on Twitter you many have seen mention that M has been on the cloud a lot. They have a visual chart in school for naughty, ok and good behaviour. The cloud being naughty, sun being okay and rainbow being good/excellent. 

I was getting concerned because this has been upsetting M a lot so I had a chat to see what’s going on. M isn’t coping in big group activities and lashes out sometimes. He’s a very affectionate boy though and loves giving cuddles. He’s distracted by loud noises. He hates seeing others upset. He’s easily led. Basically he’s been on the cloud for not listening or getting distracted by someone or for pushing someone away when in a large group. This is all stuff I get, but I had explained to them my worries about M after the picked up on his communication issues. 

I told this all to the speech therapist, she could see that M gets distracted by noises. She asked about it in more detail. M hates hand dryers, they are too noisy. He covered his ears and used to cry. He doesn’t cry at the sound anymore. If our dog goes particularly mental when the postman/courier/someone new comes to the door, M covers his ears and screams. Not all the time, if I’m in the room he’s fine. If I’m not, all hell breaks loose. He doesn’t like loud lorries. They hurt his ears (his words) so we have a sensitivity to noise. 

He’s very affectionate and caring, he happily plays on his own. M needs to know everything though. If he’s going to stay at my parents or G’s parents house I have to explain what will happen. If I tell him I’m going to drive him there but they come to pick him up, melt down. If he’s been told he’s allowed to do something and it changes, melt down. If something out of the ordinary happens. Melt down. When I was working nights I had to explain to him that daddy would be getting him up otherwise all hell would break loose. 

M loves playing with cars and tractors and his toy figurines. Especially policemen and ambulance men. He calls me his girl. He’s excited about the new baby. He’s a bundle of joy and delight but some days he’s hard work. Some days he seems to be totally within himself and it doesn’t matter what I say or do. My boy is amazing, this could all be normal but it feels a little off somehow. Whatever happens he’s my boy and I will anything for him. 

This week he’s missed preschool again though. Monday I took him to the doctors because his chest seemed bad again, we were told it was viral. That night he was sick all night, it was horrendous. Tuesday night he had an allergic reaction so had to be taken to a and e. Wednesday he was off because of the stupidly late night of Tuesday but then I had my stupid accident (won’t bore you with the details again) so yesterday was a write off too. He isn’t in on a Friday so it’s been a weird couple of weeks. 

How am I? I’m exhausted. I’m sore and 33 weeks pregnant. I’m smiling though, that’s something right? 


It is 0530…. I have been awake since 3.30ish coughing. I finally gave in at 0500 and came downstairs so I stopped disturbing everyone. 

I am shattered. I am aching. My bump hurts from all the coughing. I’m starting to worry about the little boy in my tummy because I’m sure all this coughing and illness isn’t good for him. I’m pumping myself full to the brim of medication. 

I am on the third lot of antibiotics now. I am hoping I get better soon. I am so desperate for sleep.

I have a non existent pelvic floor at the moment too. Laugh at that one for a while whilst I weep on the sofa. 

“He appears to be sucking the life out of you” 

Getting to my midwife appointment today was a struggle. I still feel rotten. Nothing new there. It took over 45 minutes to shower and get dressed this morning and then I was spent. Exhausted. 

I get there, after having a very rude woman barge me out of the way. “Yeah, don’t worry about it, I’m only pregnant and on crutches, push past me all you like” that is what I said. She didn’t respond. She’s lucky I didn’t hit her. They would have required energy though. 

Get upstairs to be told clinic is running an hour behind. By the time I got seen, it was two hours. 

I feel like I waste their time massively. Luckily it was the midwife I love. She only lives down the road so was happy to listen. She remembered my pregnancy with M to which she said “it’s going the same isn’t it? M sucked the life out of you and it appears this baby is doing the same” 

Very true. I cried. Bump is measuring two weeks ahead so bang on with the scan I had the other day. My urine was fine and my BP was fine. I really don’t get how it can be so different manually to on a machine. I am to be seen in two weeks time. I have also been tomd to get back to the GP. She is worried about the fact I’ve been this ill for nigh on 4 weeks. She’s told me to get an appointment tomorrow or else. I am worried the GP will think I’m wasting their time though. However, I can’t really go on much longer feeling so bloody rough. One day at a time. For now I shall cry a little more and moan on. It has been noted in my notes how much pain I’m in with the SPD though which is massively positive. Keep writing it down ladies. 

Still poorly

i am still ill. How is this even fair? 

I’ve had two lots of anti biotics and steroids and I’m still ill. I want to weep but doing that hurts my head. I’m bring a rubbish parent to M and if I had someone who would take him for the day I would sieze the opportunity. 

I have such a bad headache that moving my head is torture. My face aches. All around my eyes, my cheeks, my mouth. My face hurts. I’m now, not only coughing up green, I’m blowing out green too. I can barely walk still from the other day so I look like the hunch back of notredam too. Taking M to tesco yesterday was a poor move on my part, but you know, food. 

I have been getting that torturous pain in my right side again which is making me panic. Thanks google. 

I’m just poorly and fed up of being poorly. I really do just want a week in bed. Not going to happen though.