A thank you

I had a rubbish time all through M’s pregnancy. Really awful.
We went through a lot of relationship stuff. I’m amazed we lasted, looking back it is nothing short of a bloody miracle.
We got through it. We had a baby. We adjusted. I sank in to post natal depression. I found twitter.
Without finding twitter I imagine I’d have actually gone ever so slightly loopy.
I’d cut my nose of to spite my face with my family and refused help that I desperately needed.
I have learnt a few lessons from all that went on.

Here I am l, pregnant. It’s going considerably and comparatively, miles better than when I was pregnant with M. I think it’s because I’m not allowing myself to push it too far. I do not want to spend weeks in hospital.
I also have twitter still.
This is just to say thank you to all the lovely ladies and gents I speak to on Twitter and who make everything I panic about, normal. Who offer such support, it’s amazing.
I’d be lost without that network. Thank you for helping me through so much and for always being so nice and kind twitter. You’re amazing.

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The fear

The fear is creeping in. A little.
We were all laughing and joking on the weekend how M really didn’t want to come out. It was a long traumatic labour and I said anything less this time would be a blessing.
I’ve been thinking about it all now and I am scared.

M was induced. 4 days of induction. I had all the pain killers. Gas and air was my favourite. I loved that stuff.
My waters broke, eventually, very late on the third day of induction. By the time morning came I was a wreck after having a really horrible midwife in the night. My midwife in the day was lush, she’d been with me all the other days too and advised it was in my best interest being as exhausted as I was, to have an epidural.
I had a student doctor first off who struggled to cannulate me. Blood everywhere. Then a student anaesthetist who panicked and couldn’t give me the epidural. The anaesthetist took over then and administered it. Then bam… Blood pressure dropped and the next thing I know I was having etherdrin and all sorts. It was interest.
It was all so long and traumatic that when the time came to push I think it all happened a little too quick and I had a third degree tear.
The following morning I stood up and lost a pint of blood in seconds and was so ill I couldn’t hold my beautiful boy.
I wish I didn’t remember it all so vividly. It’s making me scared for this time.
I already know that after I’ve given birth I will be put on a drip for 4 hours to try and prevent a PPH.
I’m worried I will end up being induced and it being as awful as last time. I’m worried baby boy will be a lot bigger than his brothers 9lb 15oz.
There’s still a lot of time to go really, but I am scared.

Down

Feeling down suck.
Being down suck.
Being a grump, down, hormonal pregnant lady sucks.
Sucks for me and for the people around me.
Sorry for being down and grumpy. Can’t quite put my finger on it, January blues perhaps? Dunno, just weepy and down. Not felt like this in a looong. Still haven’t managed to go to see the GP about the weird heart thing but considering my mood and how low I have been I’m chalking it up to good old anxiety at the moment.
I’m sorry to everyone who has had the misfortune of bumping in to me lately, I’m not much fun or conversation.
In other news, congrats to poppyseed, 24 weeks today means you’re not considered viable my beautiful boy. Don’t get any ideas though, we don’t want to see you for another 16 weeks yet.

Things I’ve realised…

Things I’ve realised with this pregnancy are:

No two pregnancies are the same

Baby bumps are weird and take on all shapes and sizes

Having an anterior placenta again sucks

If you had SPD first time around, chances are you will get it second time around, but worse

Back pain is awful

Pregnancy induced dreams can be downright hilarious or utterly terrifying

Sleep deprivation sucks. Why does our body feel the need to condition us months before bubs gets here?

Leaky breasts still freak me out

Having M getting excited about the baby is ace

Taking M to my second attempt at 20 week scan was a good idea I love hearing him say “going to see baby was nice mummy”

Having M give my belly kisses is priceless

How time flies when you also have to look after a toddler

How it all just feels a little less stressful until I start panicking about how I’m going to cope with two children

How those precious kicks are just that, precious

How luck I am to be 23 weeks and 2 days pregnant

How utterly crappy I feel but knowing it will be worth it

Importantly, knowing I’m not alone and I have an amazing support network, something I didn’t utilise when pregnant with M.
It’s strange all this pregnancy malarkey but I am enjoying it in between the being unable to walk/turn in bed/crying from hormones and wetting myself when I sneeze (not masses, enough for me to double pelvic floor exercises though)
He’s going to be so worth it.
I love him already.

I am not a Buddha!

I am 23 weeks pregnant, and am showing. You will either think I am unfortunate to have out weight on in just the belly region, sporting a beer belly, or you’ve clicked that I’m pregnant.

Apparently I have a bit of a glow which is nice, I didn’t have this with M, at all.
One thing that really annoyed me with M and is annoying me this time is the incessant insistence that it’s perfectly okay to touch my belly.

What the actual?! Like seriously?
I am not a Buddha! Rubbing my belly will not give you good luck. Nor will a sodding genie appear! It is not okay for you to touch me. You wouldn’t touch my belly or rub my belly on any other day. Why when I’m pregnant??

At least ask, maybe if you catch my on a good day and I don’t think you have any diseases I may let you touch me, chances are though, I won’t. Unless you’re my toddler or my OH no one really gets to touch the bump. I’m not comfortable with it at all. If you ask I will give a polite “no sorry, I don’t feel comfortable with it” if you just touch me, expect a fit of fury.
You have been warned.