Goodbye 2013

What a year you have been 2013. I can’t say I was particularly looking forward to your approach. You seemed to make an appearance in the last week of 2012 and boy didn’t you arrive with a bang. You’ve caused some major ups and downs, do you know that? Do you know some of the heartache you’ve caused? Equally, we’ve shared a few good moments too haven’t we? I’d say to you my friend, it’s been mightily love hate… would you agree?
You arrived with almost helping us loose our house, my broken wrist, major relationship issues, loosing jobs, illness for poor little M, numerous visits to hospital… yeah, don’t want to delve too far in to that do we? Old wounds and all that.

We got through that a d things improved… New contracts, renewed strength for our relationship, M being a joy to behold. New friends, old friends coming to visit, work work and more work.

Towards the latter stages we’ve had bouts of depression, medication, significant weight loss and inch loss, significant upset and loss of a baby, weight gain, tiredness, emotions… you had to get the final kick in didn’t you? 

Tell you what though, Christmas was pretty bloody fantastic though wasn’t it? It was all I hoped for and more!

So here’s to you 2013,  toast to all to bad times and the few good times you threw in. I’m pleased to see the back of you old friend, here’s to 2014. *clinks glasses* Cheers!

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2014 is approaching

So I am sure you’ve already noticed that I have been more than a little quiet on here recently. I haven’t really wanted to share how I’ve been feeling. I’ve been feeling up and down. Down and out. It’s been a roller coaster. Having the monthly so put a nail in the proverbial coffin.
So yes. It’s been an emotional six weeks. However, 2014 isn’t too far around the corner and a change gonna come.

I’m sure you all remember the Shredtober challenge I partook in. Well ladies and he gents, the group has reopened and is happening again in January. I am jumping on the basis deacon again and taking part. I know it’s going to be harder than October because from the 1st Jan, I’m working full time, but that means a minimum of four gym sessions a week, which is cracking. I’m going to get myself a personal target of loosing a stone and up to 6 inches. Going from the results I saw with Shredtober these seem achievable.
Ready to start another journey with me? 

Friends

This post was originally posted on my other blog. I am going to be closing down that blog and focussing entirely on this one. This is one of my all time favorite posts of mine, it’s still ever relevant and it captures what I want to say to some new friends I have made since this was originally posted.

Last night when in bed I kept thinking of friendships as luminous pieces of string that connect people together. These pieces of string sometimes fray, sometimes have a knot tied in them and can sometimes totally snap all together.

I have friends and acquaintances and I have about five people that are truly special to me.

I imagine the five I’m really close to, to have strings of multicolour, with glitter and stars, little pictures of gin on them, music strands entwined, laughter sprinkled on. These strings are more bulky, almost rope like. They’re strong, durable, always there… Lifelines so to speak. Of these five I see non of them (bar number five) on a regular basis. We are all in different places, not just geographically, but in life. Only one of these beauties has the motherhood belt on them. She’s wonderful, in fact we haven’t seen each other since June 2010. We text almost everyday. We’ve known each other between five and six years but she’s one of the best. There are many beautiful colours to this rope. Many hilarious stories and more than a few silly moments haha.
Another one of these beauties is a teacher. She’s well, she’s my rock. We went through a time of not speaking, not for any other reason than uni, but it meant nothing. In fact it was as if it never happened. We don’t speak every day, we don’t message on a regular basis, we see each other if she comes home, but I know without a shadow of a doubt she would be there for me no matter what. This rope is full of earthy colours, many beautiful shades of green, she’s dependable and Mother Earth like.
The third of these beauties works ridiculously hard, has been through a lot, is an incredibly beautiful person and another person I can count of for absolutely anything at all. She’s one of those friends that take me back to my gin drinking, dancing, prancing days. We haven’t seen each other in a while but when we do it’s magical and like we have never ever been apart. This rope is the rainbow. She represents everything because she’s seen everything.
The fourth of these special individuals is up north and again I haven’t seen her since June 2010. She’s petite, bubbly, smiley and all round awesome. She’s probably the one friend I am the crapest at being in contact with. I am so incredibly proud of her, and everything she is achieving. This rope to me is glittery, sparkly, fashion riddled, with strands of music thrown in for good measure.
Number five, is my other half. He was one of my best friends before we got together. He still is one of my best friends. This strand of rope is so many colours wrapped into one. So intricate, beautiful and sometimes fragile and frayed. The colours of this strand are the most incredible. It’s what makes it beautiful and fragile. The strongest and the one that keeps me firmly on the ground.

If you’ve read this much, well done, there is a point. These are the strongest of my strings.
There are other strings too, some are getting a lot stronger, adding to them every day. Friends that have been newly created and grown upon. Friends who are quite possibly the most amazing couple I’ve ever come across. Friends who I know, in time will be number six and seven.

Others unfortunately, have snapped, frayed beyond repair. Yet they’re still a part of me. I carry them along with me, in a little patchwork of pain, upset, guilt, confusion. This quilt is dark blue, with streaks of silver. There are big strands of black and some strands of red. It’s unusual and a confusing thing to look at.

These friendships, partnership… These fragile bits of string, they can either be strengthened and built upon or you sometimes have to cut them.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently because of things that have been going on, and the sometimes overwhelming crushing loneliness and sadness that can grip me. It’s tough because I often delve into the past. Past conversations, situations, reliving the moments that have hurt with these bits of string that have now become a little patchwork quilt. This quilt although small can be suffocating and causes nightmares, or nights of fitful sleep at being unable to let go.

Last night I started to imagine my friendships as lifelines.. Luminous colourful bits of string and rope. Lifelines that hold me down, ground me, make me feel safe and secure.

Last night I metaphorically speaking ,decided to throw the patchwork quilt away. Why hold on to so much pain, hurt and confusion?

I am thankful for my luminous, sparkly, colourful, laughter filled, gin addled lifelines. I am enjoying the developing friendships I now have and the memory strands that can be added to the strength of my ties.

I imagined my friendships as luminous colourful strands that are anchoring me down and it’s made me feel safe.

Thank you to my five ropes and my many luminous strands. Without you lot I’m not very good. Thank you for being you. I’m stupidly proud of all of you and so pleased I can call you best friends/friends/drinking buddies. You’re amazing.

Why do I blog?

Why do I blog?

This is a question I have found myself asking. Why? Why do I do it?

The answer I came up with? For me. For myself. As a diary so to speak. It’s a place for me to come and talk about successes (all be them a bit few and far between at the moment) and for me to vent. A place of solitude to come to. The fact that people are following the blog and occasionally comment or like a post is bloody lovely, it’s not why I do it though. I am not trying to generate numbers, I am not particularly bothered by stats, I mean compared to other blogs, this is a stab in the dark.

It’s just for me. It’s personal. I don’t know whether you get a sense of who I am from it, but everything I write comes from the heart, be it when I am joyous or when I am down.

This blog was started as a way for me to make people love their bodies, to understand body dis-morphia and that everyone has hang ups but to ultimately love yourself. It was also started as a way of me documenting the 30 day shred. I have done both of these things, yet have veered off slightly, especially after during and after the miscarriage. I have taken time to express my emotions and utter devastation.

My blog name is still relevant though, this is the one where I go for it. This is the one where I accomplish a lot and document the journey, the highs and the lows of my life, and if someone reads it fabulous, but that’s not the be all and end all. This is my place, I don’t ever want to loose that sense of me, if my blog grows astronomically (which, lets be honest, it won’t) then bloody hurrah! I shall take advantage of that, but for now, I am content with my WordPress domain blog, that’s for me.

*sigh*

Today marks two weeks.
Today I am tired, I am achy and I have already cried.
Today I want to sleep forever but I can’t, life goes on, M needs me and the business is quite busy.
I hardly slept last night, the bloody fire alarm beeped all night, it’s main powered and was registering a fault. Incidentally the thing has stopped beeping now that OH needs to sleep as he is on nights.
So hardly any sleep, up at 6.30, getting am up with M, he is a delight in the mornings though (thank god!) greeting OH and feeling like crap.
I was in pain, he offered to go do the bar, which was a really lovely gesture but he needed to go to bed so it was a bit of a catch 22. I then made him feel like shit at my refusal and almost cried (I didn’t that time) he mumbled how he can never do anything right. I felt even worse then, but he really should go to bed! He’d worked a 12 hour night shift and had been up all day.
M and I went and opened the hall and got the bar delivery sorted. We’ve come home and I’m in agony. I have to work a 12 hour night shift tonight too.
I’ve been doing so well keeping it all together, today I’m failing miserably.
I cried when I got a text telling me my sister was poorly because she’d said she would babysit tomorrow evening as I’m also working tomorrow.
I just want to forget about boring mundane work stuff and sleep.

It still fits!

I have a little black dress.

Not just any little black dress. It’s a Calvin Klein dress. I love it. Really truly love it. I bought it the summer of 2010 from TK Maxx. It was a real steal. I bought it to wear to a dinner, it’s the perfect dress that can be dressed up and dressed down. It comes to the knee. I didn’t wear the dress to the dinner as I was to be Master (I called myself Mistress) of Ceremonies, and apparently needed to look more the part. I opted for my old reliable ball gown. Anyways, back to the LBD. I have worn it a grand total of twice. I have only been photographed in it once, so to many it would appear new (shh, don’t tell them otherwise!)

I am going to a Christmas Dinner on Saturday and as such need to find an outfit. I trawelled many websites, looked at many dresses, as well as trouser and blouse combos. This seasons party wear wasn’t instilling anything within. I didn’t get the wow factor, or the knowing that was the dress! I MUST HAVE THAT DRESS. Nope, non of that happened. I told the OH I wasn’t going to go, based on having nothing to wear. He told me not to be so stupid, I have a wardrobe full of clothes, I can surely find something.

Last night, I tried on my Calvin Klein dress. *KLAXON SOUNDS* IT STILL FITS! Wam bam thank you mam. I am wearing it to this blasted dinner on Saturday. It fits a little differently now. You see, when I bought the dress, M (my son) wasn’t even a glint in my eye. Heck me and his dad weren’t even together, we were just friends. Anyway, I digress, as I was saying, the dress fits differently now. My boobs are a wee bit bigger (they look even more amazing in the dress now!) my hips are a little wider, making my waist look even smaller. I have the perfect hour glass figure in this dress and I actually felt pretty bloody lovely in it. for you see, the label within the dress says it is a size 12, now I am nowhere near a size 12, but this dress dons that label, making me feel a little better. Isn’t that what it’s all about? Feeling good within yourself, well this LBD does just that!

I am going to wear flats, I have had my hair chopped off, a good 6 inches, I can no longer put it in a bobble. I am going to look good. I am hoping I will as such feel good, which will then lead to a good time. At the moment I still don’t really want to go, I don’t want to socialise, but I do have an outfit and that is a bloody good starting point!