Trying

Trying… to attempt to do something.

I am attempting to get us organised. I am attempting to appear organised.

I am attempting to go an entire day without crying. So far, so good.

I have managed to send emails, and invoices and general business stuff. This really doesn’t require much effort does it? I mean, I sit in front of the laptop and I type niceties about Christmas fast approaching and what not. I come across cheery in my e-mails. Job done.

I have managed to go through the diary and prioritise what is important and needs my immediate attention.

I have cleaned the bathroom, I have washed, dressed and fed M.

I have put the bins out.

I am now having a cup of tea. I am trying to be normal. I am trying to be Emily. I am trying to be Emily before loosing my baby. I am trying to be Emily before the nightmares. I am trying to be Emily.

I am not doing a very good job as far as I am concerned.

I am fearful the OH is getting tired of my crying, this probably isn’t the case but I am fearful non the less.

I told him I wanted to start my exercise now. I need to do something, he told me not yet. He told me I need to allow my body to heal physically, but what if my mental well being needs it?

If I listen to my body, I know the OH is right.  I know I need to hold out a bit longer.

I had an email today, you know those types of emails you sign up to when you’re all joyous and excited about becoming a mum again, the type of ‘You’re baby is currently the size of *insert fruit*’

It was a kick in the gut. It was a reminder that I didn’t need. I know I am not carrying a child anymore, I have never felt so empty. The sickness has gone, the nice heavy feeling of my uterus has gone. It’s all gone. I am trying. I really am trying. I am going to have to see people on Saturday when I go to work, and then on Sunday when I partake on a course I agreed to do ages ago. I am going to have to see people and laugh and pretend everything is a okay when we go to a Christmas party. I can’t exactly open with… ‘Oh me? Oh, yes I am fine, had a miscarriage the other week but yup, fine and bloody dandy here’. Doesn’t befit social convention.

I have a few friends I have told, some have responded by showing me utmost love and patience and genuine loving concern, then there are the few that appear to be treating me like a leaper. I suppose it’s the not knowing what to say that makes people act this way. It’s a shame that miscarriage isn’t a very spoken about subject, it’s no wonder you feel crushingly alone at times when you don’t even think it’s okay to broach the subject in an open way.

Anyways, I am trying. Trying hard. Too hard? Possibly… Only time will tell.

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2 thoughts on “Trying

  1. Ohhhh Her says:

    One foot in front of the other, take it easy on you and no words will make you feel better, you have to grieve in whatever way you need to. Don’t let anyone tell you that you need to get on with it or how soon that grieving process should be over, we are all different. I am so sorry that you are going through this, I have been there and no one ever seems to understand. Thinking of you and anytime you need to vent you come right back at me xxx

    • emilygoesforit says:

      Thank you so much… It sucks it really does. I know it’s going to take time, but at the same time, I do need to try and crack on with some jobs and try and get a little bit of normality back. I just feel a bit empty doing it all. At least the sun is shining today, that is one very small consolation. xxx

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